And also, there are times when, no matter how much I crave the therapy that comes with writing for me, I simply cannot say what is on my heart. Yesterday I had to do one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was a day that the fullness of adult responsibility weighed me down until I could hardly breathe. It was a day caught in vise grips of decision, fervently praying for wisdom, clarity, and certainty. It was a horrible day.
It was also a day that I saw God showing me what to do—that perfect clarity. I tried to run, I really did. But he used someone that he knew would get a reaction from me to force me into doing what I had to do—that perfect certainty. And he gave me words to say, the way to say them, and how many times to say them—that dose of wisdom.
I'm tired. There are days when I yearn for an easier life, for the days when I was a young mom with little ones, when the hardest thing about my day was struggling with naps or potty training. When we sat with our toes in the sandbox or spread a blanket on the lawn, nibbling on Goldfish and reading aloud.
Still. Where we are is where we are, and I'm thankful for being put in this place, no matter how painful the past few days have been. The words of Mordecai to Esther have been floating through my head the past few days: "Who knows that you have been put in this position for such a time as this?" Indeed.
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