Sunday, November 9, 2008

Bad Dreams

I had a bad dream last week. In my dream, my friend yelled at me, flinging accusations. I awoke feeling uneasy, and the feeling stayed with me, pinching me every now and then, spurring me to action.

My dreams don't come true very often. I might dream that my teeth are falling out, but my teeth are never loose in the mornings when I awake. I might dream that I've forgotten to go to a class all semester and will surely fail the exam, but the waking reality is that I graduated 20 years ago. I sometimes dream that Randy and I never married, and my heart cries out for the children I never had and the love I lost. I wake from that dream first with a broken heart, and then with tears of gratitude and relief.

But this dream of last week, this one came true. Perhaps I shouldn't be blogging about this, although my friend made it clear that she doesn't read my blog. I had a conversation several months ago with a friend and fellow blogger who went through a major life change last year. We discussed how I found it all so shocking because she never mentioned any of this in her blog. We talked about how blogs record but a portion of one's life because so much has to remain unsaid.

So I'm leaving the rest unsaid, but to blog about how startling the yellow gingko trees are against the blue sky seems superfluous on a day like today, when I am feeling bruised and shattered and left pondering how to begin the repair.


  1. Wow, that is sad. I have dreams that come true once in awhile.

    I can tell just by the very little that I "know" you that your friends are very important to you - so this must be very painful. I will pray for wisdom for you in dealing with this. And for your friend to have an open heart and mind.

  2. My heart hurts for you, as I know from 7 years of knowing you, what a wonderful and dear friend you are...

  3. I'm so sorry to hear about your hurt. I pray for healing.

    I agree that blogs only show a snippet of our lives, a small recording of our thoughts. Often there are so many things I want to blog, but just not enough time. Or, I can't find the words to express what I'm feeling.

    How lovely, those ginko trees are! I hope they bring you some healing thoughts.

  4. Sarah, I'm so sorry. I know TOO well the pain of broken friendships... and the quandry of blogging about it.

    I was SEVERELY criticized about my blogging about the situation. I felt I was simply sharing what God was doing in my life through the situation, and never said anything negative about the person. But another friend felt I was very one-sided and slanted and basically a horrible person. So that was fun. Now neither of them talk to me. Good times. Nothing like a little 36-43 year old drama to take me back to middle school.

    The truth is, friendships can be so incredibly dear and so incredibly hurtful. Praying right now that God brings peace to your heart, wisdom in how to deal with it, and that He reveals truth to you.

    I can tell that you are dearly loved and rich in friends. Try to remember how many people love and adore you. This friend is in the minority, I'm sure.

  5. Oh... and the ginko tree is what first sealed the deal in my attraction to Scott. We were in NC on a choir trip and I asked him what kind of tree it was. He KNEW and I thought he was amazingly brilliant. :)

  6. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'll pray that wisdom will guide your journey. It's a blessing and curse to love so deeply ...

  7. Friendships have a way of teaching us so much, both in the good times and the bad. Why do we sometimes hurt those we care about the most? I hope your friend will make amends. Perhaps she was upset about something entirely different, and used you as an outlet for her frustration. Whatever the situation, your gentle spirit and tender heart are a testimony to what a sweet friend you are to her, and I pray God will calm your heart and give you peace. I know it is so hard to go on with "business as usual" when we are feeling the sting of a bruised relationship.

    Oh, those amazing trees. It just looks like a place where you should be immune to life's troubles! :)

  8. The only dream I ever had that came true also involved someone yelling at me. I finally decided the purpose behind the dream was that I would react to the yelling differently than if I had not had the dream first.

  9. May God help you find peace and love in this situation. Amen.

    Hang in there!


  10. ((hugs)). Yup, you pretty much can't blog the crap and win. But later, after there is a bit of distance, sometimes you can process the part of it that is *yours* and that is your own journey, the impact it had on you. That is your own and doesn't have to reflect on anyone else. They still won't like it most likely. But pulling it out into the light is how people grow. It objectifies the sensitive.

    There is a line from a poem I read last week..."think of all that trees have seen" or something close to it. The perspective of a tree is valuable against our dramas...these ripples and hurts pass and lend character to something aged. Trees heal, I swear by it ;-).


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