I've been occasionally aware, these past few weeks, of that peculiar feeling of the days slipping by without my really being fully part of them. It comes partly from being pulled in so many different directions—of being truly concerned about and involved in so many emotionally heavy and time-consuming areas: church, my parents, friends, our support group, our AHG troop, the classes I teach. And, of course, my family.
Everything these past several months has been focused on our oldest: college, job, Eagle Scout, graduation. Tomorrow Randy's family comes in for Jesse's graduation, and the graduation blitz begins: rehearsal, pictures, graduation itself, then the graduation party. Cleaning, ironing, cooking meals, baking, gathering items for his display table—these are all things I have to do.
But beyond the doing, beyond the sitting in the living room chatting with people, beyond the practicalities of finding the tassel and figuring out how to pin on the cap, beyond all that doing is the elephant in the room: my child is graduating.
It hits me at times like last night, when Randy, Duncan, Laurel and I played frisbee in the backyard. It hits me on evenings when Jesse is at work and just the four of us are eating dinner together, with Duncan moving into Jesse's spot at the table. After this summer, it will just be the four of us, all the time. Our family dynamic is changing, and even though it has been evolving over the past year, especially since Jesse has been working, the fact still hangs over me.
Yes, I'm happy that he's graduating. Yes, I'm thrilled that he's going to college. But once upon a time, he was a little blond boy in yellow rain boots on a bright red tractor. And that's why I have to keep busy.
Linked to Tuesdays Unwrapped at Chatting at the Sky
This post breaks my heart a little...*sigh*
ReplyDeleteall these sorts of things hit me like a ton of bricks around march of my oldest son's senior year. what was really hard for me was not so much that he was going to leave us as that i felt like we weren't finished with him yet!-- that it couldn't possibly be time for us to parent him as an adult when we didn't really feel like we were finished parenting him as a kid. it was not so much about him going away as it was about it being the end of an era.
ReplyDeletewe are now down to four (2 parents, 2 kids) from our original six. the vacation we just took to your neck of the woods was a family vacation with our "new" family of four. you do get used to a new normal. life settles into a routine and it isn't always this hard.
That leaves me with a big lump in my throat...I need to get busy.
ReplyDeleteI teared up reading your post. I've often wondered when reading your blog how you're dealing with your oldest son graduating. It is definitely a wonderful time but also a difficult one. Perhaps you should eat more desserts during the next few weeks!
ReplyDeleteSamantha
Ahhh. I'm quite teary now. My oldest is officially middle school aged this year. She will be in youth group at our church! I'm having a hard time with that. I can't imagine when she graduates!
ReplyDeletethanks for making me cry...as if I weren't exhausted enough... ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I get to be a part of all of this...
My oldest is goig to start preschool this year. Where does the time go.
ReplyDeleteMy son turns 4 next week and I'm already crying over the knowing that, in just 14 years, he'll be doing this too. I know. I'm a mess. Somebody hit me.
ReplyDeleteStaying busy helps. Lots of praying also helps. That empty spot at the table gets me every single time.
ReplyDeletesniff, sniff That could be my son on the tractor w/raincoat... Thanks for sharing all you do here. This year is hitting me hard too - my Kindergartener just brought home her 1st yearbook and is already calling herself a FIRST Grader... My sweet boy is already done preschool and looking forward... I'm the only one not so eager for time to move so quickly... Homeschooling is very appealing and I'll be back to learn more on your lovely blog. CONGRATULATIONS on all you've accomplished with your son!!!
ReplyDeletehugs,
Leslie