caregiving: shower day

Thursdays are shower days for Mom. The whole process takes a couple hours, from start to finish. It's hard to get Mom in the shower, first off. She'll stick out her tongue and flat out refuse: "I just did this yesterday!" or "I want to take a bath like I did when I was a kid, not a shower!" I make bargains sometimes, remind myself to be patient, kind, and gentle.

On Thursdays, I'm wiped out—more mentally than physically—by noon. I mean, my back hurts a little, but mentally and emotionally, I'm just plain tired. There is something so draining about bathing your mother. This is when the parent/child relationship is so obviously reversed. There is the frustration that comes with hearing the childlike "I don't want to do this; why are you making me?" again and again. There is a hefty dose of remembering, as I blow dry her hair, that this is the woman who bathed me as a child, who patiently rolled my hair in pink plastic curlers every Saturday night and then stuck me under her warm, comforting hair dryer. And there is the in-your-face reminder of how the body ages and fails, how it sags and wrinkles and weakens, and, frankly, the knowledge that someday, this will be me.

In the end, though, she always ends up smiling. "This is wonderful! I never want to get out! How did you learn how to do this?" She is overflowing with gratefulness, bubbling with the joy of accomplishment. After I dry and curl her hair, she thanks me and says, "I'm going to pay you a million dollars!"

These are bittersweet days, ones you never imagine until you are here in the midst of it, moving slowly through the hours and days and weeks, shaking off the frustration, returning the smile, breathing deeply, giving back.

First Day of Summer, 2018

This morning I read lots of Mary Oliver poems, and I was struck again by just how utterly united with nature she is, how her poems reveal her absolute devotion to the natural world. “I think there isn’t anything in this world I don’t admire,” she writes in “Hum.” “If there is, I don’t know what it is. I haven’t met it yet. Or expect to. “

 I carried lots of Mary Oliver with me today, making a promise to myself to spend more time watching the raindrops gather on the bee balm and less time liking posts on Facebook.



This afternoon, during my usual visit to my parents, my mother told me this week’s stories, ones I have heard several times lately. About picking the green beans, about how her shoe fell apart, about how she did a load of laundry, and back to the green beans. At 91, her stories loop, and I nod and smile each time I hear them.

And then my mother started talking about the rain. “I didn’t get a good nap today,” she said. “I heard the rain and had to get up and listen to it.”

 Something in my heart wrenched and sang with joy at the same time. My mother heard the call of rain, after two weeks without, and rose to greet it. Oh, my mother, my poet, my kindred soul, who taught me the names of flowers and put jelly jars of the sweetest smelling Lily of the Valley by my bed at night.

 “I loved the solitude,” she continued. “I sat on the bench and listened to the rain. I watched the little cardinal flicking raindrops off his wings.” She flapped her elbows a little and gave herself a little shake. “Then the little finch came to the feeder and took a little nibble, flipped his wings and flew up to the big tree.”

 Here is my mother, the embodiment of a stanza from one of my favorite Mary Oliver poems, “Sometimes”:

            Instructions for living a life.
            Pay attention.
            Be astonished.
            Tell about it.”

To listen to the rain fall, to watch the cardinal flicker, to follow the finch’s flight, to breathe in wet earth, to abandon sleep to soak it all in: that is how to live a life.

September/October

The past six weeks have whizzed by. Between teaching co-op classes and working as a writing coach for Brave Writer, I've had little free time.

But we've had some fun!

Randy and I got outdoors a bit…

Hiking at the Big South Fork

I visited my girl in Nashville one weekend...






Randy and Duncan had some hiking (20 mile hike), whitewater rafting, and mountain biking adventures…

Duncan finished his Eagle Scout project and went to spend a week on my brother's orchard in NY…

Duncan about to head off on his first solo flight

Laurel and her boyfriend came home for a nice long fall break…

Baking dessert for us

Laurel and Hunter hiking at Charlie's Bunion

And, well, wow! I'm only just now pausing to take a breath after these first six weeks of the semester! Dad also spent a week in New York, so I spent lots of extra time with Mom. Jesse started graduate school this semester, so we haven't seen him very much. He did pop in for dinner one night when Laurel was here, though.

Randy's brother and his wife came up for a short visit for his Mom's birthday, and we always adore spending time with them. They are selling their house in Charlotte and moving to Florida, and we will dearly miss having them just a few hours away. :(

I have one more week off until I start my next six-week Brave Writer class. I've been getting all kinds of things done around the house, including *gasp* reducing our book collection. We took about 4 boxes of books to our local used book store today!

School is going great for Duncan. His schedule is a bit light this year so far, so that's been nice. He has his Eagle Scout Board of Review coming up this week, so we should be announcing his Eagle rank soon!

And that's what's happening in our own Small world.

Linked up with the Weekly Wrap-up

Things I Learned in June

Thanks for getting us to the gas station, AAA!

1. I can justify paying $1.99/episode to watch a series on amazon prime that isn't yet free on Netflix. As my friend told me, people pay more than that to have a Starbucks every day. So, I am watching Revolution a few times a week, and I love it. And it's OK. I don't have to feel guilty for it. (Can you tell I have Depression-era parents? And that we do Dave Ramsey?)

2. I need to be a more attentive listener—or I need to fake it better sometimes. A friend's son recently told me that he can tell when I've checked out of a story because I get this blank look on my face. It's true. Sometimes I can't follow stories or I start thinking about something else while someone is talking, and I am sure I smile and nod at inappropriate moments. And sometimes I can't think of anything to say at the end of a narrative except, "Cool." He totally busted me. Please note: I'm a really good listener in general, but it's kind of like the car chase scenes in movies: sometimes stories go on and on so long that I lose track, especially if these stories are about hunting or the economy or such things.

3. I love teenagers. I didn't just learn that in June, but I've spent a lot of time with a lot of teens in June, and I am impressed with and grateful for them over and over again. They are funny and ridiculous and compassionate and dramatic and so loveable. For the most part.

4. If the gas gauge is on empty and you have no idea how long it's been like that, get gas at the first exit. Also, it's good to be riding with a friend who has AAA—and who makes you laugh a lot.

5. There is no Moe's in Cleveland, Tennessee, so don't wait for the exit with the Moe's to get gas.

6. The only way to start blogging again is to start blogging again.

7. Summer really only starts when everything else is done—and I never want to wait until the end of June to start summer again!

What have you learned in June? You can link up with Emily at Chatting at the Sky.

Saturday Miscellany

* I really am going to start blogging again. Really. It's just that things have been so crazy around here. I've spent countless hours in the past month getting ready for and doing AHG camp. Every now and then I remember that I really should grade one more stray research paper or journal from my lit class. And then I run over to see my parents or take 15 minutes to fix a lousy supper. And I've read about 25 pages in a book in the past two weeks.

* But now it's all over. Camp, that is. The last papers are graded. We have groceries in our fridge. And I'm ready to have fun. Yesterday we welcomed in summer's official start by getting on the lake with friends. I am so happy to have a wonderful friend with a boat! The kids had a fantastic time tubing and swimming. And, well, everything is good when you are on the water, surrounded by mountains.

* I'm not the only one who's been working like crazy. Just last week Laurel put in 30-something hours of service, volunteering at VBS, Second Harvest Food Bank, AHG camp, and our support group. I was really exhausted and done after our three-day AHG camp, but I wasn't too exhausted to get a lump in my throat seeing these girls together at the end of camp. We always have our oldest girls be our camp leaders, and this is their third camp as leaders. And last. Next time we do camp, they'll all have graduated from high school.

 
They are the sweetest, kindest, funniest girls I could ever hope to know. My daughter has wonderful friends. And they all deserve a fabulous summer.

* And now that I'm done with all my stuff and ready to spend some time with Duncan, he is off to camps for the next two weeks. He'll be at church camp next week and Boy Scout camp the week after.  I'm hoping to tackle some painting projects.

* And to blog. I have about sixteen dozen blog posts swimming around in my head.

* But speaking of swimming, I might just spend all my time in the water instead of blogging.

Happy summer!

Last Day, First Day

 Yesterday was our last official day of school—although we have lots of reading left to do and movies to watch on rainy days, and Laurel has one paper to finish and the ACT to study for. For Duncan, it's the end of seventh grade, and Laurel has finished her sophomore year of high school. His very last assignment was to write an essay about, well, of course, our trip to France.

And today we can officially declare as the first day of summer! Randy and I kicked off summer with the Skeeter Run, a 5K to raise money for mosquito nets in Africa. The race began at 8 a.m., and it was really, really hot. It might be our only 5K of the summer, although Randy is going to be training all summer for a triathlon in August.

I'm ready for summer. I'm looking forward to afternoons in the mountains, sitting by the river while the kids swim; hiking and camping; spending lots of time with friends and family; and getting a few projects done around the house. And that's about all I hope to do!

Linked up with Saturday Snapshot

Memorial Day

 

There's nothing quite like a not-too-hot/not-too-cool day in May with a clear blue sky, a lake, a perfect breeze, and family.

 Especially when you have a little red-headed, curly-haired grandbaby/nephew/cousin visiting…

And three of your four brothers and your Dad play bocce and manage not to hit that red-headed baby or anyone else…

And there's a mama duck and one little baby just waiting for some leftover hot dog buns…

 And cousins are there to entertain that baby and follow him all over the park, catering to his every whim 'cause he is the 10th grandbaby, after all …

And your Mom, the sweetest of all, feeds tiny bits of watermelon to that curly, red-haired grandson for hers until he gets tired of those tiny bits and chomps down on a slice all his own.

It's a good day in May when there's watermelon and people who have been here for nearly nine decades and people who have just begun.

Linked up with Outdoor Wednesday

To Paris We Go

I'm savoring it this morning, before the day is filled with errands, activities, and events. Tomorrow we are going to Paris!

Today I'll be busy with the last-minute details: packing, doing laundry, downloading travel apps and kindle books, triple-checking money and itineraries. But I'll kind of be gliding through the day, because, well, tomorrow we are going to Paris. For real.

I haven't been overseas in 30 years. Thirty years! That is hard for me to imagine because I can still hear the sound of our footsteps echoing in the Louvre, still see Notre Dame against a deep blue January sky. I was 16. I hope my own kids remember this trip so well.

I am grateful for a friend who is staying at our house and cat-sitting, my parents who are dog-sitting, and friends who have provided luggage, adapters, and advice. I am a little sad to be leaving our yard just as the azaleas and irises are in full bloom and the roses and peonies are about to burst forth, but, then again, I'll be in Paris.

Stay tuned for our adventures in France! In the next 10 days we'll hit a bunch of museums and cathedrals, Versailles, the Catacombs, the sewers, the Eiffel Tower, and as much as we can cram in without collapsing. We'll also take the train to Normandy and spend one day there, touring Omaha Beach and a few other D-Day sites.

And then we'll be back home, where we'll remember gargoyles and the Mona Lisa and city lights, ready for summer adventures in our own small world.

Monthly Wrap-Up

Whhhaaaat in the world have I been doing? I am not sure if I have ever had a busier few weeks in my life. I'm sure that I have, but this past month has been so packed that I never even thought of blogging. And I love blogging.

Our co-op classes ended for preK-8th a couple of weeks ago. That freed up a little bit of brain-space for me, as I was co-teaching a literature class for middle schoolers. Here is Duncan with his last project. We challenged them to create a book cover for either one of the books we read or to combine two or more of the books in some way. Duncan took The Odyssey and Alice in Wonderland to create…

Boy Scout spring camporee hit in mid-April. I don't really have anything to do with camporee, but this one took a lot of preparation on Duncan and Randy's part. Duncan's leadership role in the troop this spring was to put together cooking boxes for each patrol. He had to purchase, label, and pack 4 tubs with all the supplies each patrol would need for their meals (not including food). This was quite a project, which started weeks beforehand with going to various stores and comparing prices. It was a great learning experience for him.

He was also charged with making his patrol's new flag for camporee because he apparently drew the best honey badger, their chosen patrol name.

The same weekend that the boys had camporee, I had our support group's annual Homeschooling 101 to do. I've been doing this for about 9 years, and I really love everything about it. (Here is how we do Homeschooling 101, in case you think it would be a good idea where you are!) We had about 35 potential homeschoolers come. Interestingly, all but about 3 of them were parents who are pulling their kids out of public school. When I started doing this 9 years ago, most of our attendees were parents who were starting their kids fresh at the kindergarten level. Throughout the years we've had more and more people say they are done with the school system. We had a bunch of families pulling their kids out of "the best" area high school. It is rarely about academics and almost always about giving their kids—and their families— a better life.

Next up was our last American Heritage Girls meeting of the year. Since this has been our 10th year, we ended with a 10 year birthday party/carnival. It was an absolute success! We had 5 birthday cakes, all kinds of carnival games, a photo booth, and a perfect spring day for it all. This picture is of those of us who have been in our troop for all 10 years. Imagine: those girls were 5 and 6 years old when we started!

The very next evening was the prom! Our support group puts on an amazing prom. This year it was in Knoxville's Sunsphere, which, if you've ever been in or through Knoxville, is that weird golden ball structure that stand in the middle of downtown, constructed for the World's Fair. Laurel was treated like an absolute princess by her date, who, along with his mom, is one of my favorite people. Also, she got her braces off the day before prom!!

And just a few days before the prom, we volunteered to host the after-prom party because the other after-prom event fell through. I spent a few days beforehand frantically and furiously cleaning the house. The party was fantastic. We probably had 45 kids and a dozen parents here from 11:30- 2 a.m., hanging out in the house, apartment, by the fire, playing basketball and foosball, etc. I was utterly exhausted when it was all over.

But no rest for the weary. The next night was our first AHG Hoe-Down, another 10-year-event. It was adorable watching all the girls dressed in their cowboy boots, swinging their partners. We had a low turn-out and I was completely exhausted, but they had a great time. I hope it becomes an annual event.

In the midst of all of this, we had all our normal things, too. Co-op classes continue for Laurel, although her government class has ended. Duncan and I have continued learning about WWII, doing math, grammar, and all of that. School goes on around here sometimes sporadically when we have crazy months like this, but learning happens all the time. Duncan's 30 lessons into his algebra book for next year, so I'm feeling pretty awesome about math. One semester as a second grader seemed short, but I think he's ready for 8th grade next year. My goal for this summer is to convince him that reading actually is pleasurable. I know. How did we get a kid who doesn't love to read? He loves to be read to, and he's a fluent reader, but he just doesn't get the I-need-books-to-live thing.

Jesse came home from college a few days ago. It is absolutely crazy to think that our son will be a senior next year. Sheesh!! We are so incredibly proud of him for receiving three writing awards, including Belmont University's top writing award (which included cash!!). And  he pulled up his grades yesterday and found out he had a perfect 4.0! He's been on the dean's list every semester, but this is the first solid 4.0 he's received. So amazing! 

Last night was a huge, incredibly time-consuming event: our troop's End-of-the-Year Awards Ceremony—but also our passing-of-the-torch ceremony. Caroline and I have been troop coordinators for all 10 years, and it was time for us to retire. Last night was amazing and overwhelming, but that will be for another post. For now, I'll end with us receiving flowers at the end of the ceremony.

Next week, I have one more American Lit class to teach on Monday—and then we're off to Paris!!

Linked up for the first time in a really long time with the Weekly Wrap-Up at Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers

Saturday Snapshot: Office Take-over

My pretty little office. I put such love and thought into changing it from a little boy's bedroom to a spacious room filled with things I love—a place I can go when I need utter quiet. A writing room.

This, though, is the reality of my pretty little office.

Guitars and model rockets. Thankfully, my family doesn't do guns and deer heads because I imagine they'd end up here as well.

I'm trying to figure out a way to reclaim my office.  In the meantime, I sure like having boys who play guitar and a husband who builds model rockets with his son.

Linked up with Saturday Snapshot

Saturday Snapshot: Run

They had backpacked 8 miles in the 24 hours before. It was gray and clammy and we'd rather have stayed in bed. But we did it anyway.

This was Duncan's first 5K ever and our first of the spring. He did incredible! He just starting running a month ago and actually hasn't gone more than a mile, but he did the whole 3.1 miles with a smile on his face. The sun never did come out, but we didn't mind. We met several friends from our church at the finish line (the shirts are from our church), high fived each other, grabbed some donut holes, and headed home by 9:25 a.m.


For Randy and me, this is our second year doing the Resurrection Run. We love the cause—Family Promise—which provides housing, job skills, and financial training for homeless families in our area. Great way to start Easter weekend!

Linked up with Saturday Snapshot

Spring Has Sprung and Other Ramblings

* The first day of spring began just as it should, with sunshine and daffodils.

My mother always said it, and my father. I suppose everyone's parents did: spring has sprung. Why don't I say things like that? Why don't I have a vocabulary full of colorful sayings? Why don't  colloquialisms roll of my tongue like jewels, enriching an otherwise bland comment?
"Lord willin' and the creek don't rise," says my husband in anticipation.
"It don't take long to look at a horseshoe," he replies to any, "That didn't take long!"
"Looks like they opened up a new box of worms!" he comments when traffic is heavy.

I am a metaphor mixer. I get all those kettles and frying pans and boxes of worms mixed up. I don't understand "I've slept since then" and "herding cats." And if I do understand them upon the umpteenth explanation, I still would never be able to repeat them in casual conversation. I have considered cultivating the gift of colloquialism, but somehow it seems phony to have to learn to use them. Things like that should come naturally.


 
* My mother laughs at me for taking photos like this. It's just laundry on the line. But to me, this is beautiful. This is my mother. She'll be 86 in just two weeks, and still she hangs laundry out every sunny day—and even some not-so-sunny days. She'd sooner hang laundry on a drying rack in front of the fireplace than use the dryer. Is it her Depression-era save-a-penny ethic, or is it the joy of fresh-smelling clothes? I don't know. I just know that these things that once drove me crazy—the economizing and the stiff jeans—now make my heart swell with love.

* And this makes my heart swell with love, too. That's my mother surrounded by little ones: two great-grandchildren and two grandchildren. There were three more of her grandchildren and one more great-grandchild there that day as we celebrated grandchild #10's first birthday (that's the little one in blue at her knees). It was madly chaotic and lovely.

* Waffles this morning, and fresh strawberries and a fire in the fireplace. Spring was short-lived. We are back to gray skies and a threat of snow. The animals are curled into balls of fur and the fleece blankets are back scattered on the sofas. Tomorrow, Randy and I go away to celebrate our 24th anniversary. Twenty-four years! Next year, we'll head to Italy for #25. I know—sooo exciting!

Linked up with Saturday Snaphot

Sick Days

One of the huge benefits of homeschooling is that, when one is sick, one can actually have the luxury of being sick. I wholeheartedly believe in the medicinal power of rest. Although I am a pretty solid Type B, I have to talk myself into resting, really.

This week I have read three novels already. I'm a fairly fast reader, but my reading time is usually restricted to 20-30 minutes (or until I fall asleep) in bed each night. All three books were astonishingly excellent. I have a review of The Autobiography of Mrs. Tom Thumb up on my SmallWorld Reads blog already, and if my head continues to clear, I'll have the other two—The Story of Beautiful Girl and Expecting Adam— up soon.

I figured I would get sick this week, since both Randy and Laurel had this nasty cold last week. Unfortunately for them, last week was one of those insanely busy weeks. Poor Randy took the kids to Winter Jam Friday night, at the height of his cold. If you aren't familiar with Winter Jam, picture this: 20,000 teenagers in an arena, listening to a dozen bands for 5 hours, plus finding parking and then getting out of a jam-packed parking garage after the concert. All with your head about to explode. It's nightmarish. And if that wasn't horrid enough, he had to be out of the house at 6:30 a.m. the next day to spend his entire Saturday at Boy Scout Merit Badge College. I'm pretty sure he deserves some kind of major award. I did make him apple pie.

I have a new box of herbal tea, thanks to my sweet husband, and two more novels to read at my leisure. We'll do a light day of school—a math lesson, some grammar, a little bit of Ken Burns' The War, and just reading. I have nowhere I must go today, nothing I absolutely must do. For the rest of this week, I have a small stack of essays to read and a bit of lesson planning to do, 423 shirts to iron, and a couple of articles to write. Again, it's times like this that I am struck with the simplicity of my life, the gift of choice, the shared vision that Randy and I have for this life of ours—a life that—most of the time—is simple enough for sick days.

Linked up on Finer Things Friday

How To Have a Perfect Birthday in 20 Easy Steps

1. Wake up next to the love of your life. Kiss him gently and leave him snoring.
2. Watch the sunrise with a cup of coffee, a fire in the fireplace, and a happy dog at your feet.
3. Pray with abundant gratitude, thinking about what an amazing year this past one has been—a year relatively free from stress and pressure, a year filled with good things and fabulous people.
4. Be called the most beautiful, sweetest woman in the world by your husband when he wakes up and wishes you a happy birthday. Look in his face and knows he means it completely.
5. Eat eggs and bacon, which your husband cooks for you, while drinking another cup of coffee.
6. Receive sweet hugs and birthday greetings from two out of your three beautiful children.
7. Go to your church, your still new church, the one that you are excited and joyful to go to, the one that doesn't sing "happy birthday, dear Christian" to you in the middle of service, for which you are immensely, almost tearfully grateful. Get hugs from friends. And a pretty scarf that your friend crocheted just for you.
8. Come back home and eat leftover chili, because that's what you want to do.
9. Read dozens and dozens of birthday greetings from friends on Facebook and feel tremendously grateful—and loved.
10. Eat leftover Valentines Day chocolate, guilt-free because it's your birthday.
11. Read a book until you're so sleepy that you just have to take a nap. Take that nap.
12. Take apple pie to your parents, who have colds and can't come to your birthday dinner. Hug your mother, while she says, "What a wonderful day that was. I still can't believe I finally got my little girl, my little paper doll. My Dad loved you so much."
13. Receive birthday wishes from that third child, the one away at college, whose father texted him and said, "Call your mother!" He would have remembered eventually.
14. Eat a spectacular dinner made by your husband of all your favorite things: sushi, steak, roasted Brussels sprouts, baked potatoes.
15. Open presents from your sweet family that knows you sooooo well.
16. Play a board game and laugh.
17. Eat birthday cheesecake.
18. Watch the season finale of Downton Abby. Whatever.
19. Read more birthday greetings on Facebook, text messages, and emails. Be happy, again, for the people in your life who took a minute or two to wish you well.
20. Go to bed, back where you began the day, next to the love of your life.

Weekly Wrap-up

What's been happening around here these past few weeks:

• Duncan did a report on Hitler for his Dialogue with Veterans class. He had actually written a biography of Hitler several months ago as part of our WWII study, so we just cut this report down to one page. That was tough! I was so relieved that he gave his speech. He's developed some anxiety about public speaking this year, so we are working on conquering that.

• Duncan has been working hard on finishing up a few merit badges for Boy Scouts. He finished Robotics just last week and also had his Board of Review and moved up to First Class. This weekend he goes to an all-day merit badge "college," where he'll do the Reptiles and Amphibians badge. He's been reading the book like crazy in preparation.

Finishing up the robotics merit badge. Not exactly sure what's going on here, but they know!

• Laurel and her fellow AHG Pioneers and Patriots (7th-12th graders) worked hard planning and setting up for the annual Father/Daughter dance and then got to enjoy it.

Randy and Laurel at the Father/Daughter dance--probably her last!

• Our teen group had their annual Black and White dance, so she's had her fill of dances for a while.

• My Dad spoke to Duncan's Dialogue with Veterans class. You can read all about that here.

Dad (on the left) and Mr. Larson, another WWII vet, with the Dialogues with Veterans class

• Duncan and I have been thoroughly enjoying studying WWII. Last week we read Dear Mrs. Roosevelt: Letters from Children During the Great Depression and Winston Churchill: Soldier, Statesman, Artist. We've started When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit, which is fantastic so far. I can hardly wait for Duncan to finish all his Boy Scout stuff this weekend so we can get back to it!

• Laurel got her driver's permit a couple of weeks ago, so we have started driving lessons! We have a perfect spot across the street—the undeveloped part of a subdivision. There are only three houses but lots of cul de sacs and stop signs. She's doing great so far! She'll be 16 in six months, and I imagine she'll be totally ready for her license by then.

• Randy and Duncan went for a backpacking trip last weekend. Randy's working Duncan up to long hikes with a heavy pack. I think they went 3 miles one day and almost 4 the other, and Duncan's pack was around 25 lbs.

• Laurel's classes are all going well. We finished reading The Crucible in American Lit and are now beginning A Raisin in the Sun. I haven't taught this one before, but the Clarence Brown Theatre at UT is performing it in a few weeks. I love to be able to tailor my literature choices based as much as possible on local theatres' seasons.

• And finally, I am happy to report that Duncan has finished pre-algebra and moved onto algebra 1! We skipped the first 25 lessons and are still doing review, but hopefully soon he'll start getting into new material.

And that's what has been going on in our own small world!

Linked up with the Weekly Wrap-Up